The Computer Wars

On one occasion, a lady came into the store, apparently interested in buying a home computer. After surveying the models on display, she walked over to one and pointed to the monitor and keyboard saying, "I think I need one of these, and one of those...." She then pointed to the CPU and continued, "...but I don't think I need one of those."

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A few days ago, a client called in wondering why he couldn't delete items off the Windows desktop. It was soon discovered that he'd already dragged Internet Explorer, MS Outlook, and a few other items off into the recycle bin, and was trying to delete 'My Computer' and 'Network Neighborhood.'

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Tech Support: "Now click on the icon that--"
Customer: "Oh, I know what an icon is! That's that thing that Sandra Bullock clicked on in The Net!"

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Customer: "Do you have WordPerfect for Gameboy?"
Tech Support: "No, but I'll call you when it comes in."

Sometimes it's better to go along with the customer and not ask questions.

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A customer called saying he was getting an error in Windows 95. He told me what the error was, and I recognized this as a typical error that occurs after installing MS Office 97.

Tech Support: "Sir, did you just install Office 97?"
Customer: "YOU'RE IN MY COMPUTER, AREN'T YOU?????" (click)

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I overheard two men talking in a restaurant.

First Man: "My laptop is running so slow and crashes all the time. I'm going to take it to the shop to check it for viruses."
Second Man: "I don't worry about viruses. Not many people know that viruses work in the back of the memory, and Windows is in the front of the memory. So it's something else."

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The computer service tech where I work told me he got a call from a secretary complaining that the floppy drive in her computer wouldn't work. He went down to check it out and found that she was putting the discs in with the plastic dust sleeves still on them. He asked her why on earth she was doing that and she said, "Well, I didn't want my computer to get a virus."

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Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"

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Tech Support: "Can I get your phone number starting with the area code?"
Customer: "I left that at home."

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One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual, says Steve Smith, Dell's director of technical support, the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read the book."

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Trying to ask how to remove a screen saver:

Customer: "I just go to My Computer and delete everything, right?"

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Customer: "I have a very big problem! If you don't help me right now I will return the computer!"

Tech Support: "Well sir, what can I do for you?"

Customer: "Well, I just got my system today, and my friend installed a screen saver, and it comes up fine...BUT EVERY TIME I MOVE THE MOUSE IT GOES AWAY!!!!!!!"

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A user phoned me and complained that her monitor was smoking, smelled of burning, the display had gone wrong, and the monitor was too hot to touch. I suggested that she switch the monitor off until an engineer could look at it.

Customer: "How do I do that?"

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My friend called me up one night and asked me to help him with a problem he was having sending email.

Friend: "I can't send any email to you."
Me: "So what's the problem? Are you getting any error messages?"
Friend: "No, but everytime I try to go to your email it asks me for your password, and you never gave it to me!"

It turned out he was trying to get into my Hotmail account to send me an email.

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Customer: "I get this error when I check my mail. It says, 'There are no new messages.'"

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I work at the computer store on a campus. A few weeks ago, we had a customer call in and ask the following:

Customer: "I'd like to buy the Internet. Do you know how much it is?"

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Customer: "I just went out and bought the newest unit they have out and having trouble hooking up to the Internet!"
Tech Support: "What type of machine are you running?"
Customer: "A Nintendo 64!"
Tech Support: "Sorry, but you can't hook that up to the Internet. You need a computer with a modem first."
Customer: "Well, can't I just buy a modem thing and stuff it inside somewhere?"

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Customer: "What do you mean I have to dial into the Internet every time I want to go to your web site? I thought I only had to do that the first time I used this software!"

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I had a friend who gave me a Mitsubishi monitor. The monitor wasn't getting a picture for some reason, so it obviously needed some servicing. I took it to a repairman to see what could be done.

Technician : "You mean you get no picture at all when you boot up your computer?"
Me: "That's right."
Technician : "Oh, that's because you have a small hard drive. You have to get a bigger hard drive and then the monitor will work fine."

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Customer: "I am having some problems with my email account."
Tech Support: "Who is your Internet provider?"
Customer: "I am not really sure but I think it's 'You've Got Mail'."

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Customer: "My palmtop won't turn on."
Tech Support: "Did the battery run out, maybe?"
Customer: "No, it doesn't use batteries. It's Windows powered."

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Tech Support: "What happens when you turn the computer on?"
Customer: "The screen just stays black."
Tech Support: "Is the computer plugged in?"
Customer: "I took it to a repair shop last week, and they apparently fixed it so it doesn't need a power cord anymore."
Tech Support: "Is the computer a laptop computer?"
Customer: "No, but they never gave me back the power cord so they must have fixed it so it didn't need it."
Tech Support: "Go back to the repair store and get your power cord back. They just forgot to give it to you."

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Tech Support: "Now let's type in the password where it says password."
Customer: "My password is HSD13...."
Tech Support: "No, don't tell me your password, just type it in. And remember, those letters are in capitals."
Customer: "And the numbers, would those be capitals too?"

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Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."

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About a year ago, a customer from Roswell, NM, called in to place an order. To break the ice, I jokingly asked if he or any of his neighbors had seen any aliens lately. The guy laughed and proceeded to tell me all about the crazies (his word, not mine) that not only live in Roswell but who come on vacation there in hopes of seeing a UFO themselves. As he talked, I processed the order, and the last bit of information I needed to complete it was the guy's email address for marketing purposes.

Customer: "Email! I won't have anything to do with that Internet or modems of any sort! You should be careful about those. Don't you know that once you install a modem, the government can look into your computer and watch everything you do? That's why every night before I go to bed, I turn the monitor to the wall."